We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
