We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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