I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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