Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
