he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
