Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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