I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
