I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
