Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
