So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
