This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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