i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
