You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
