mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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