he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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