I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
