Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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