WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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