I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It's official drugs can't kill me
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
