So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My feet surprised me
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
