Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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