All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
