i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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