There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
