Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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