Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize