The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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