Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
