They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Randomize
