Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
he shaved USA in his pubs
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
