I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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