Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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