i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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