Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
