No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
