he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
