Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
In other news, I just burned my penis
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
