Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize