Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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