Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
