bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
