I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
