just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm just crazy horny about you
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
