Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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