im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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