We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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