Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
