Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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