sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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