I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
