I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
