can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
