I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
