so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
that is very illegal...i love you.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize