I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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