the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
