In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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