Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
