If i come over, it means nothing
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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