I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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