Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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