This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
