Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
