I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
