I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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