singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
