His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize