you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
