New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
