Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
