Someone shit on the floor
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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