How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
that may or may not have been my penis.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
